Conflicted

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There are days when I think I should’ve spent more time before deciding whether or not I wanted to have a baby. I wonder if that makes me a horrible mother . I never did have much of a social life but whatever I had doesn’t exist anymore because Nael isn’t a big fan of the family. Every time I go visit them I end up locking myself in a room trying to calm down my screaming child and put him to sleep. By the time done everyone’s done with dinner and I find myself alone at the dinner table wondering why things have to be so complicated.

And that’s not all , it’s been 9 months and I still haven’t lost much weight, I’m still hauling around an extra 20 pounds that refuses to leave me. When I’m at the gym working my butt off – literally , I find myself thinking about the same thing ‘ did I make the right choice by having a baby?’. I hate my reflection , I’m way beyond tired and to top it all off I’m sleep deprived. My brain doesn’t function as well as it used to and I can’t seem to understand a word when people talk to me. All of my phone calls end with a ‘ hey I gotta go he’s crying ‘ and it’s amazing how people have now just stopped calling or even asking me out.

So again I think ‘ Was it all worth it?’ And then I see him smile at me when I walk through the door or when he wakes up in the morning and yes it is definitely worth it. I have never felt a bond so strong and a love so unique that even though I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of it all and yet I am loving every moment of it.

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